I was born in 1981 in a little town called Dirt, Washington. My childhood best friend’s name was Geronimo, my favorite elementary school teacher was Mrs. Cornberry, and my mother’s maiden name is Snoddgrass. There. You now have everything you need to hack into my bank account.

The problem with bios is the author gets tempted to spin rich and highly detailed narratives about himself, usually depicting him as Hero of the World, or Perpetual Victim. A better bio limits the story to things the reader might actually want to know. Here’s what I think you might find interesting.

I spent my childhood in Alaska and Washington State. I once spent a summer out at sea on a fishing ship. Before I started my career, I was a burrito wrapper, carpenter, driver, barista, tire changer, and journalist. I once cared for iguanas, box turtles, rock toads, tree frogs, red eared sliders, green anoles, and an albino rat—all at once.

Brandon Dennis

Me, age: beardless.

I once wrote a 100 issue comic strip that no one will ever see called Turtle Soup. I started wearing suspenders because it’s hard to find belts that fit my intimidating figure. Also, because I have style.

I wasn’t allowed to grow a beard in high school. I could’ve.

Brandon Dennis and Jodi Dennis

It took a publisher four years to say “no” to my novel. I published it eight years after I finished it. It’s based on a video game I made when I was 18. Oh, I also made three video games as a kid.

My degree is in history. I studied Latin, Greek, and Swedish. My published history papers were about Alcibiades, Thucydides, and Herodotus. Today I work building websites and at marketing, skills I taught myself. My degree takes up more space than it’s worth.

I decided to stop trimming my beard after I married my beautiful wife in 2011. I proposed to her at the top of Mount Rainier. I made her ring out of a black diamond and some emeralds.

Brandon Dennis wedding

Our son Gavin was born in 2012. He giggles when I do my evil laugh. He squeals and tackles me every time I come home from work.

Gavin Dennis

The movies and music I made during my free time in college unexpectedly blew up. Because of them, I’ve been invited to half a dozen conventions to speak, and met hundreds of awesome fans. You’re more likely here because you know “Oxhorn” than because you know “Brandon”. I retired from making movies and music in 2013.

Brandon Dennis Christmas

I’ve written in my blog since 2004. I used to write and publish short stories starring my baby cousins when they were young, and send them copies. I’m going to do the same for Gavin.

I’ve hosted a weekly live show since 2009. I like making websites, and probably run too many. I plan to compete in a national beard championship someday soon.

Brandon M. Dennis

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(The personal details in the first paragraph were lies, by the way).